I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
