So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
