the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
