remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
