I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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