I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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