I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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