Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
