My cat gives me a boner
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
