everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
