I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
