First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
