Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
