I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
