i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
