I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
