we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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