My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize