she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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