My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
