We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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