i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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