I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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