Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
