I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He uses pillows to masturbate.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Mom said you looked used
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
