Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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