I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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