the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
