On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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