so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
