He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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