she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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