I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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