I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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