I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
