i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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