mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
