So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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