My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
