just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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