Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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