We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
