oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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