Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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