Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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