Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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