Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
