Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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