I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
