Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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