Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm passing your future prison.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
