got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
