pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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