just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
