Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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