I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
