I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
