I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
